Cloverscrubs
by runs with fire
Summary: The Sacred Heart gang goes to NYC and meets Cloverfield! I knew that one day some idiot would make a Scrubs/Cloverfield crossover. I also knew that that idiot would have to be me.


It was a dark and stormy night

It was a dark and stormy night. Clichés filled the air as the jet carrying the SH employees (meaning JD, Turk, Elliot, Carla, Cox, Janitor, Todd, Kelso, Ted, and Lloyd (who snuck in the cargo hold and died on the way there because he was just a recurring character no one would miss)).

"That's weird." Turk said as they rose from their seats, "Why would the U.S. military send two surgeons, three doctors, a retired chief of medicine, a nurse, a lawyer, and a janitor from California as the only relief effort days after a horrible earthquake in New York?"

"It's like we're trapped inside a crappy fanfiction or something!" remarked Elliot.

They all laughed.

When the group stepped off the plane they stared awe-struck at the disaster that was New York City. Buildings were collapsed on top of each other and debris covered everything.

"Wow," Kelso said in amazement, "I didn't think it was possible, but New York is even more of a sh hole than it was before."

"What are those little star things after sh-?" JD asked.

"We're trying to keep this thing T-rated." a voice answered from behind them.

A stern looking man in a military uniform had walked up to them followed by a tough looking black guy in camouflage and a fuzzy pixilation on his face, "Hello, I'm Commander Armyguy and this is Lieutenant Whogivesacrap."

"I'm Perry Cox." Perry Cox introduced himself.

The Commander and Lieutenant snickered, "What a ridiculous name!" They high-fived each other.

"Look! It's a one eyed monster!" Todd yelled.

Everyone screamed, "WHERE?!"

"Oh, that's the new nickname for my schwong. Ya like?"

"Now, Todd," JD said seriously, "Be more careful about what you say. What if there had been an actual monster?"

The Commander laughed nervously and his eye twitched, "Haha, nonsense. Monsters are make-believe, like ghosts or Santa Claus..."

Ted's face fell at the last example, "What?"

The Commander continued to ramble on crazily, "It's not like ancient sea-creatures from the deep awake from years of sleep after a corrupt Japanese oil company uncovered it, capsize an oil-tanker and terrorize a city just for giggles, right? RIGHT?"

The group took a step back, looking scared.

"Okay, can we focus?" asked Carla, being a bitch, "Why are we here?"

"As you all know," the Lieutenant explained in a deep voice, "The city was hit by a devastating earthquake at around 0600 hours, two nights ago. Actually, we aren't exactly sure since the person writing this doesn't know how to do military time. When it first started, everyone thought it would blow over."

"Let me take a guess," Janitor said, "It didn't?"

"Within a matter of hours," the Commander picked up, "the monst- I mean, 'earthquake' began eating people. Our troops were ordered to use heavy artillery but the bullets couldn't pierce the earthquake's hide and it continued to wreak havoc. It also took a massive dump in the MET. As a last option, we initiated Operation Hammerdown, A.K.A. Blow the City the F Up."

"Wait a minute," Carla said incredulously, "How would that stop an earthquake?"

The Commander chuckled, "Men are talking now, sweetie. Why don't you bake a pie?"

Carla sighed angrily and stormed away.

Turk laughed, "Women, huh?"

"So why did you send us here?" JD asked.

"We need you to scower the city to find and treat survivors if there are any." said the Commander, "Also, you were the only people stup- I mean, brave enough to come. Lieutenant will watch over you while I take your jet and fly to safety."

Elliot looked worried, "But you just said that a bomb went off here. Couldn't we die from radiation pois-?"

"Thank you all for helping your country." the Commander said, interrupting Elliot, "We wish you the best of luck."

Since it was night, it was too dark to go out and find people so they went to sleep; everyone except JD, since he was bored and was being his curious self. He tiptoed down the hall and found the Lieutenant's office. It looked unoccupied so JD entered it. While he was looking through random papers and files, he found a suspicious videotape that had a label on the front of it.

'GUVERMINT PROPERTY: TOP SEKRET LOLZ'

JD looked at the front of the tape. It had a very realistic picture of a monster destroying a city that looked creepily like New York City. JD shrugged. Must be a coincidence. JD spotted a tv hooked up to a VCR player and put the tape inside. For the next eighty-five minutes he watched in shock and horror as he watched the actual events from two days ago play out in front of him.

After JD had watched the tape, he ran out into the hallway and bumped into Dr. Cox.

"We can't stay here." he said breathlessly, "I found this really disturbing video that belongs to the Lieutenant."

Cox looked at the cover, "A bootleg copy of High School Musical 3?"

JD nodded, "Yeah. And I also found this one." He handed Cox the tape with Cloverfield attacking New York City on the front.

"That doesn't look good," Cox admitted, "We need to tell the others."

Cox and JD told the others and they all ran outside to try and find a way out of the city, which was very stupid considering that the monster was outside too. It roared evilly.

Todd pointed to a figure running towards the monster, "Hey, who's that chick with the short hair?"

Carla squinted her eyes and then they widened, "Oh, my God. That's Zac Efron!"

The Lieutenant squealed.

Zac Efron stood bravely in front of Cloverfield and pulled out a basketball, "I shall defeat you! With the power...of SONG AND DANCE!"

As Cloverfield devoured Zac Efron's body, the SH gang took the opportunity to flee for their lives. They ran at least three blocks before stopping to pant for breath.

"Let's go in that tunnel!" someone shouted.

They all thought that was a good idea so they did.

"Wouldn't it be cool if a flaming homeless guy randomly starting running towards us?" JD asked excitedly, remembering what the cameraman had said in the tape.

"Well, I don't know about homeless, Newbie, but you definitely are flaming." Cox said.

"Baby, I'm scared." Turk whimpered.

Carla groaned, "There's no such thing as flaming ho-"

"OH MY GOD!" Ted screamed as a flaming homeless guy attacked him.

"Ted! Stop fooling around, we need to find our way out of here." Kelso held his stomach, "I'm hungry, damn it!"

Janitor stopped walking, "Did anyone hear that?"

"Hear what?" Ted asked, rubbing his burns.

Suddenly, the sound of fluttering wings filled the tunnel and seven creatures the size of Rowdy tackled each of them.

The one clinging onto JD was particularly vicious and its snapping jaws barely missed his boyishly-handsome face.

Todd was the first to get rid of his creature (he showed it his penis) and found an annoyingly convenient door in the side of the tunnel, "Inside here!"

The others quickly escaped their attackers and ran to the room but JD who was not the best runner in the world was snagged again by a parasite. The creature sunk its venomous fangs deep into his shoulder making him cry out in agony. With a simple flash of an Italian sausage, the parasite scuttled away, back into the darkness.

Moaning, JD let Todd drag him into the room where the others were drinking blatant advertising products.

"Scooter, you look down!" Janitor said, talking more into the camera than anything, "Have a refreshing bottle of Dasani!"

"What happened, Selena?" asked Cox with mock concern, "Did you sprain your vagina?"

JD fainted to the floor and Carla made a tally mark on a sheet of paper, "1,678,943rd time he's fainted in a fanfic..."

Everyone looked puzzled. "A fan-what?"

Turk held a Dasani t-shirt to JD's shoulder, "He's bleeding pretty badly."

"Hey, look!" Ted called to the others, "I found another conveniently located door and it leads to an empty shopping mall."

"Yeah!" said Elliot, "Maybe it has random soldiers walking around in it and they can help JD!"

As the gang walked through the shopping mall they ran into a group of soldiers. But not before they stopped in the Petco store to pet the puppies, played some rounds of laser tag, rode on the carousel, and spit off the escalators. They saw that Lieutenant Whogivesacrap was the leader of the soldiers.

"You lied to us, jackass!" Cox shouted at him.

"Yeah!" Carla agreed, "Thanks to you, we stayed here and then Bambi got bit by a parasite!"

The Lieutenant slapped her across the face with tears in his eyes, "You think you're the only ones who have suffered? I lost someone more important than life itself..."

Turk stared at him, "...You mean Zac Efron?"

The Lieutenant put a fist to his mouth to keep his lip from trembling. One of the other soldiers glanced over at JD who was passed out on the floor and panicked, "WE GOT A BITE!"

"Johnson!" Lieutenant complained, "You're totally stressing me out right now."

"Sorry, sir. But a baby parasite is going to explode out of that guy's stomach any second."

"Ew, gross much." Lieutenant said.

"Uh, guys?" Ted asked uncertainly, kneeling next to JD's body, "He's bleeding out of his eyes...that's bad, right?"

"HE'S GONNA BLOW!"

"Johnson, for the love of Christ..." Lieutenant moaned while holding his ears.

"Hey, who're you?" Janitor asked, pointing at an old man with a white lab coat who was wandering by aimlessly.

"Me? I'm a scientist! Dr. Machina to be precise. But you can call me Deus Ex."

Cox looked up at the person writing this story, "Are you high? This is bad. Even for you."

_'The author shrugs and writes that Perry had an afro.'_

Perry had an afro.

"I daresay that fellow looks quite ill." Deus observed as JD began to have a seizure-attack with his eyes rolling to the back of his head. The old man pulled out a small vial, "This ought to do the trick." He poured the liquid down JD's throat and he stopped moving immediately and opened his eyes.

"What is that stuff?" Todd asked while staring at the vial curiously.

Deus looked surprised, "Slusho, of course! JJ Abrams is so anal that everything in his movies has to have a purpose! Didn't you all know that?"

"Who the hell is JJ Abrams?" everyone said simultaneously.

Deus ignored them, "Well, I must be off. I am needed elsewhere!" he sprinted away.

Kelso pinched the bridge of his nose, "Let's never speak of this again."

After they said good-bye to Lieutenant Whogivesacrap, the Sacred H employees decided that they really wanted to get the hell out of the city before anything else freaky happened.

A building they were just walking by collapsed and fell on two kissing lesbians, killing them.

"I hate this place." Todd murmured to Turk.

Ted moaned, "We're never going to make it out alive."

"That's not true!" said Janitor, "We just need to gather weapons and fight back!"

"Or we could just use JD's nose to shield us." Elliot suggested.

"I hate you." said JD.

Suddenly, a fanatical loser who lives in his parents' basement and who doesn't have any relationships in the real world and thinks Scrubs is a way of life instead of just a television show and who secretly jerks-off to 'I'm No Superman' appeared beside them, "Ugh, doesn't this author realize that JD and Elliot are destined to be with each other? It sickens me how she totally ignored Season 2 Episode 34! Which in my opinion, is one of the top five episodes of the whole series. I even read in Zach Braff's blog that-"

Cloverfield roared and lashed its tail at the loser, killing him instantly. The SH group stepped over his body and continued onward.

They walked around for hours before spotting a helicopter in the distance.

"We're saved!" cried Elliot.

Turk looked around. "Wait, where's Ted?"

"I'm down here!" a voice call from the bottom of a random crater.

"You moron!" Kelso barked, "Get out of there!"

"But I'm stuck!" Ted yelled helplessly, "There's a giant piece of building on me!"

Everyone looked from the hole Ted was in, to the helicopter that was about to take off.

Janitor spoke nonchalantly, "We could...ya know...leave him there."

JD shrugged, "Yeah, he's only a secondary character anyway."

Todd edged away uneasily from the pit.

So the gang sprinted away from the hole and jumped into the helicopter.

The effeminate pilot smiled and waved at them. "Hey guys! My name is Gary and I'm gonna be your pilot for the night! Buckle in!"

Everyone relaxed thinking that the danger was over, but then the copter started shaking.

Gary was struggling with the controls, "He, like, grabbed the back of the chopper!"

"Is that good?" JD asked hopefully.

"We're going to die!" Carla screamed.

"Thank God you're here." Turk said, rolling his eyes.

The helicopter thrashed around and they all heard the beast's terrifying roar behind them, which sounded scarily like a sound effect from Jurassic Park.

"Newbie," Cox said in a tender voice as the helicopter continued to shake violently, "There's something I need to tell you," he put his hand on JD's knee, "...something that I've needed to get off my chest for a long time now."

"What?" JD asked softly, his heart pounding.

"I..." Cox was having trouble getting his words out, "I...I.."

"Go on." JD urged gently.

"I...I hate slash stories with us in them."

Just as JD was about to respond, the helicopter landed with a sickening crash in the middle of Central Park.

They all exited the crashed copter shakily and gazed up in horror at the gigantic monster standing over them.

"Maybe..." JD said quietly, "It didn't see us."

The monster roared, spraying spit over all of them.

"This is it." Elliot whimpered.

"We're doomed!" said Kelso, using Gary's dead body as a human shield.

Suddenly, a geeky movie nerd with acne all over his face that needs to have everything spelled out for him and can't appreciate a movie without analyzing every part of it appeared beside them, "Those organ type protrusions on the sides of his head do not make any sense at all. I mean, they weren't even visible at the beginning of the film. Are they like air-sacks or something? Why would an aquatic animal need air-sacks? Any intelligent person knows that it would be more logical for it to have gills. And the creature looks much more smaller than it did before. The special effects people need to get their act together and actually start doing their jobs if they even want to THINK about a sequel-"

The Janitor punched him in the face and nodded to the monster, "You're welcome."

The Todd seemed unnaturally calm about the situation. "You guys run. I can hold it off."

"But that's suicide!" said Turk

"Nothing can resist," Todd ripped off his pants, exposing his banana-hammock, "THE TODD!"

Todd jumped at the monster while the others watched in admiration, which then changed to confusion, then to revulsion.

"What's...what's he doing to it?" Carla whispered.

"That is NOT natural." said JD who was gagging.

"Let's get the hell out of here…." Kelso said tiredly.

One Month Later

Elliot and Carla stood next to the food table with Dr. Cox, whose afro was six times bigger than it was a month ago.

"Whenever I try to shave it off it grows back thicker." he complained while combing it.

Kelso noticed Ted walking by. "Ted! How did you free yourself from that chunk of building?"

"I used my own flop-sweat as lubricant!" Ted explained proudly. Cox overhead and vomited in a trashcan.

"Everyone shut up! It's starting!" Turk exclaimed.

They all took their seats beside the aisle as Cloverfield stomped down the aisle in a white dress and veil.

The priest smiled. "We are here to witness the holy matrimony between Dr. Todd Quinlan and the Cloverfield monster. Clover has chosen to say her own personal vow."

"Awww."

The monster made a series of unintelligible shrieking/roaring noises that sent shivers up everyone's spine.

"What'd she say?" Elliot was asked by Kelso, whose ears were rapidly filling up with blood.

"If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your-"

"We do." said two voices in the back.

Everyone turned and saw Bill Lawrence and JJ Abrams, both looking extremely pissed off.

"Hey!" JD exclaimed, "You guys weren't invited!"

"Shut up, buddy. I own your ass." Bill Lawrence ordered.

"The author of this piece-of-trash-story has gone mad with power." JJ Abrams said, "We have to stop her before it's too late."

(Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny plays as a giant battle rages on.)

The gang looked around in awe as everything turned back to normal. They were in Sacred Heart again.

"I think..." JD said dramatically, "...it's over."

A man in a button up t-shirt ran over to them with a wide, bleached smile on his face. "Hi there! I'm Jeff Probst and I came here to personally welcome you all to be on the hit reality show…Survivor!"

Cox clenched his jaw. "Goddamn it."


End file.
